Displaying items by tag: therapy

Hint: It's not as scary as you think!

One of the main reasons people tell me they avoid counseling is they just don't know what to expect. And let's face it -- what we don't know can create a great deal of fear. To make matters worth, you may have heard a myth or horror story about counseling that makes you even less likely to go. Fortunately, going to counseling isn't nearly as scary as you are making it out in your mind. Here are some things you may not know about counseling; once you've read about it, my hope is that you won't be afraid to pick up the phone and reach out for help!

1. Counseling does not equal medication.

If you see a psychologist, he or she may recommend that you take medication if your particular situation warrants it. However, going to therapy does NOT mean that you need to take or will be recommended to take any medication. Counselors will first try to figure out a way you can use cognitive tools and coping mechanisms to get through your problems or anxiety. If you visit a MFT like me, the counselor won't even be able to prescribe medication. 

2. There are different methods of therapy.

Different counselors come from different schools of thought. For instance, I come from the stand point of emotionally focused therapy, but other counselors might use very different methods. This means 2 things: first, if you research your counselor's method beforehand you will have a better idea of what to expect. Second, if you have a bad experience with one counselor, you might just need to find someone who uses a different method -- not quit counseling altogether.

3. You don't have to be in dire straits to attend counseling.

Some people think that they must be in a very bad place to go to counseling. If you or your relationship are in a bad place -- that's OK, a counselor won't judge you. But you don't have to be on the edge of disaster to enter into counseling. Your counselor will meet you where you are, so to speak, so you don't need to worry about your counselor having any preconceived notions about you before counseling begins. We see all different types of clients, and the first session will be all about figuring out what you need.

4. You help guide the process.

Counseling isn't what you see on TV -- you won't lay on a couch while the counselor takes notes and then tells you what to do or asks intimidating questions. In reality, you are very involved with the direction of your therapy. Together, you and your counselor will figure out the root of any pain points and work to improve things. You won't have to feel out of control; the goal is for you to feel empowered!

5. Counseling doesn't have to be time consuming.

Some clients will come in once a week for counseling, and some less frequently. Similarly, I might see some clients for many months, and others for a shorter time period. In the end, we will decide the best course of action based on your needs, but counseling doesn't have to take up a huge amount of time. You might be surprised to learn that some clients only meet with a counselor for a few sessions.

Don't Wait Until Your Relationship is on the Brink

If your relationship is on the rocks, you might start to question whether or not you’re in the right situation. Before you throw in the towel, you should definitely consider couples counseling, which can help you learn to change your patterns as a couple and start to move forward in a more healthy way. If you don’t know whether or not you’re in trouble, here are the signs that you need marriage counseling.

 1.  Your partner suggests couples counseling: If your partner suggests counseling, this is a sign that things haven't quite been corrected in the relationship. People don't suggest working with a professional when the relationship has a solid connection. It is very common that one partner cries out for help and the other person completely misses the critical issue until years later, once the relationship has become entirely unraveled. Take the suggestion of marriage counseling seriously when your spouse brings it up.

2.  The relationship is sexless: One of the signs that a relationship is dwindling is a lack of intimacy in the bedroom. In a secure relationships, both emotional closeness and sexual closeness keep things balanced. Intimacy can go in waves through the years, but if there is an ongoing drought that lasts months or years, this is a sign to seek professional help.

3.  You become burnt-out: Going from completely engaged and seeking closeness to a completely "burnt-out" position is a danger zone. When this happens, you haven't given up on the relationship, yet you are unwilling to expose any vulnerable needs or to rely on your partner.  This is a sign that things have been changing and you could be going down a dangerous road, headed towards complete disconnection.  This is a critical time for couples to seek counseling and get both people to engage in the relationship.

4.  There’s been infidelity: This may be a no brainer for some people, but affairs are signs that marriage counseling is needed. Whether the affair was just revealed, or you are active in the affair, it is critical to understand why this happened in the first place and heal any emotional injuries. Many couples think that they can simply lock up the past, say "I am sorry," and move on. In reality, affairs are very fragile situations where the repair work is critical and must handled in a healing way.  Every second counts when rebuilding trust and regaining the security in a relationship. Moving on doesn't mean shutting the door to pain, but it also doesn't mean you relive the pain over and over. Seeking counseling helps couples handle the fears and emotions that arise in the present and take action to create a long term resolution.

5.  You’re seeking comfort from others: When either you or your spouse quickly go to friends or family before turning to the relationship, you should seek counseling. When we no longer turn to one another to resolve issues and instead turn to others for support, a wedge is created in the relationship. Sometimes it becomes easier and easier to turn to others and this can quickly snow ball into a drawn out relationship that dissolves over time.

6.  You’re fantasizing or beginning to have feelings for others: Thoughts can be thoughts and simply just that. But other times a fantasy leads us to an exciting place where it would be easy to cross the line if the opportunity arises. It is vital to get at the heart of why you get so excited when your co-worker sends you a text, or a friend calls you. If your relationship was solid and secure you wouldn’t consider being with someone else. Something significant is going on, and things are lacking in your current relationship. Start couples counseling to figure out what you aren't getting in the relationship and give your spouse an opportunity to get it right with you before it is too late.

7.  The fighting is bad: When fights continue to go to bad places, either verbally or physically, couples counseling is essential. The more attacks you take at one another, the more you drive each other way and develop a bad habit when it comes to communication. Any time the relationship becomes degrading or hurtful, it is time to seek some expert advice on how to stop the damage and to the relationship.

Couples counseling will help you get back on track when the security in your relationship begins to dwindle. Before your relationship is pushed to the brink of destruction, visit a counselor to  learn better communication and get to the bottom of your issues.

For couples about to get married:

If you are about to tie the knot, premarital counseling is always a good idea -- even if you don't think you have any problems in the relationship. My view of premarital counseling is that it can always be helpful for any couple planning on saying “I do.”  You wouldn’t fly a plane without flying lessons; similarly, it makes sense to learn more about how to keep a healthy relationship before you enter into a huge commitment. Most premarital therapy is used as a preventative tool, or a way to get your relationship solid before walking into the married world. The sessions are about helping couples learn the rules of communication, explore marriage expectations, and discuss strategy plans for the unexpected future.

If you're in San Diego and need help working through anger in your relationship, contact me today and let's see if I can help!

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The Skinny on Your First Session and More

Every time I meet with a new client, the common feeling is that they are a bit nervous about the counseling process and what to expect.  Or better yet, the only type of counseling they have been exposed to are from movies, like The Sopranos or Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Let me put your mind at ease.  My counseling sessions are not going to be like the movies, where you lie down on the coach, talk for 50-minutes while the therapist draws pictures and never responds.  My goal is to help you walk out with hope, direction, and education.  

It’s normal to feel a bit anxious before you go to counseling, especially if you have never gone to counseling in the past. In reality, starting individual counseling takes courage to reach out and ask for help. From your first session to all subsequent visits, I am only here to help you in your personal growth, to sort out emotional struggles, or to work through your personal demons.   

1. The First Session

The first individual counseling session begins with discussing what you know about counseling, any concerns or questions you have for me, and getting comfortable with the individual therapy.  We will breifly go over the intake forms that you filled out and counseling expectations.  Then, and more importantly, you will catch me up to speed with what is bringing you in to counseling.  I will guide a lot of the conversation assessing the situation, along with a conversation about goals of the counseing, and the specific struggles in your life that are stirring up issues. I will also explain in detail the process of counseling, and my goal is to help provide clarity or education on the steps you can take right away to improve your situation. My goal is to provide a neutral and emotionally safe environment where I can support you, and provide an open forum for us to discuss the situation.  I try to be as tranparent as possible, while providing my concerns or thoughts on the situation at hand.

2. Personalized Objectives

I know that each person who walks into my office has his or her own story, issues, and problems. I will make an effort to get to know you as a person, and we will work together to address the issues you want to overcome. In general, my goals for individual counseling are to help my clients move past things like low self-esteem, anxiety, self-doubt, past trauma, and loneliness.

3. Complete Emotional Safety

The goal is to have your counseling sessions be emotionally safe. I will strive to establish a place where you can open up about how you feel, and never be judged or met with a critical response. I will be active in the counseling sessions to make it feel comfortable so it is safe to express your fears and other emotions. I will also help you react to others in your life in a healthy way, so you can establish emotional safety with your friends and loved ones outside of the office.

4.  Learning

Ultimately, I want you to leave your sessions having learned how to better cope with a problem, communicate to others what you need, and manage emotions like anger. You won’t just come and unload your problems, and then leave.  The counseling isn't going to be an isolated experience, where you can't apply things we talk about to "real life." I always want my clients to feel like they are moving forward, learning new techniques for a healthy life and how to create their best selves!

Don’t be afraid to pay me a visit – I am only here to help! Give me a call today, or book online, and let’s see if I can help you become a stronger you!

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After the discovery of an affair, life gets intense. If you just found out about an affair, you may be lost in disbelief. Everything you once thought you knew is now false, and your entire relationship is being examined under a microscope. Emotions can feel like a rollercoaster; from angry to depressed, from hopeless to hopeful. This traumatic event needs quick action and marriage counseling after an affair may be what you need to recover.

There are many definitions for what constitutes having an affair. It can often mean that one person had a sexual and/or intimate relationship with someone outside of the marriage. However, an affair might also mean that someone cheated emotionally -- an emotional relationship in which one person has a strong emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship can also create strife. Yet other affairs may include online relationships or pornography. In my San Diego marriage counseling practice, many times I see that a couple have two different definitions of what an affair is, and the views often create another added stress. Either way, trust has been broken in the marriage and healing needs to start after an affair.

Infidelity is a serious issue for couples and should be worked through in a delicate manner. I recommend marriage counseling after an affair because it helps couples find healthy ways to heal the attachment injury. Time is of the essence.  You should take quick action if you really want to heal your relationship after an affair.

San Diego marriage counseling can benefit your relationship after an affair:

• Learn how to effectively rebuild trust and the relationship through actions and words
• Get to the root of why the affair became an option and happened in the first place
• Understand the steps to get reassurance from your partner (or give reassurance) when haunting memories pop up
  Recover from hurt and blame, and learn how to forgive
• Heal the attachment wound from the affair and create a secure attachment
• Learning how to watch and catch signs to prevent future infidelity pains
• Show remorse and ask for forgiveness that is effective

If you live in San Diego and recently found out about an affair, I suggest you act quickly and find a counselor that best fits your needs. I provide marriage counseling after an affair for all areas of San Diego county. Take a look around my site and make sure I am a good fit for you. If you like what you see, make sure to schedule a therapy appointment.

How to find the best therapist that fits your needs:

If you are looking for a counselor in San Diego dealing with infidielity and coping after an affair, make sure you find the best therapist for you.  There are various items you should know before you schedule your first appointment. Here is an article about how to find the best counselor for your needs.

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Counseling isn't "one size fits all,” and every therapist may not be a good fit for you.

Searching for the best marriage counselor in San Diego is a very important part of your counseling process – before you can begin to make progress you need to find the right therapist. I believe you should find a therapist that will best fit your needs and your particular situation.

Pay Attention to Specific Training.

When you’re looking for the best marriage counselor in San Diego, pay attention to background and training. For example -- if you are looking for a therapist that deals with eating disorders and the impact they can have on relationships, make sure the counselor you choose has extensive training in eating disorders.

Learn About Theoretical Orientation.

Did you know there are many different styles of counseling, different "shools of thought," and different techniques? Believe it or not, there are many styles and theoretical orientations used in counseling. Some theories are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Bowenian Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, Psychodynamic, and Narrative. Get educated on the different theories, because one might be a better match for your situation. Many people I talk to in both my personal and professional life state that they never knew there were different styles and techniques and theories. Does the style of the counselor fit with your personality? This is very important!

Don't Be Cheap. Find the BEST Fit.

Don't take the "one size fits all" approach and search for the cheapest therapist in San Diego.  Your marriage may be hanging on by a thread or severely hurt by a significant event. Time is of the essence and you should find a therapist that can really handle your situation. Find the BEST marriage counselor, not the cheapest. Remember, one size does not fit all and “affordable” or “low cost” doesn’t equal a good fit. Invest in your marriage, and it will save you a lot of money and heartache from having to go through a variety of counselors, or, at worst, a divorce.

Talk to the Counselor.

Research shows that progress in counseling is usually impacted by the therapist-client relationship. Sometimes a photo and website just isn’t enough to feel confident that you are making a good decision. Make sure you feel 100% comfortable with the therapist by picking up the phone and contacting him or her. Spend time over the phone getting a sense for that therapist. You should feel comfortable with your decision of a counselor before you even walk into the office.

Website Snoop!

Take a peek around your potential therapist’s online website and get a good feel for that therapist. Simply because someone shows up on the first page of Google for marriage counseling in San Diego doesn’t mean that person is the best fit for you. A counselor should have a lot of information on her website that shows she is knowledgeable and well trained in the specific area of your relationship needs, which will also help you narrow down your search.

Be open minded

Don’t forget, walking into a counseling office is very difficult and may stir up a bit of emotion for you. Look past your own anxiety and be open minded to what the therapist has to offer. Sometimes going in to counseling requires you to do some soul searching and take responsibility for your actions. San Diego has hundreds of great marriage counselors, so you get to take your time and find the best one that fits your specific needs.

Here is a little about Jennine:

I am active in the counseling sessions and I try to get to the core of issues; I don’t want to just put a Band Aid on the situation. I work from an Emotionally Focused Therapy approach that emphasizes creating secure attachments in the relationship and improving the communication styles. My main focus is on relationships; from singlehood to newlyweds, from long term marital struggles to recently divorced individuals. Relationships impact us no matter what stage of life we are in, and I want to help you along the way.

Please take a tour of my website, read about how I became a therapist, review my relationship articles, check out my Relationships in the Raw website, and learn more about how I work as a counselor. I provide as much information about my services and my therapeutic approach on my website to help you determine if I would be a fit for your needs.

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s normal to feel a bit anxious before you go to counseling, in part because you’re unsure about what is about to happen! In reality, coming to therapy at my office doesn’t need to be a scary prospect. From your first session to all subsequent visits, I am only here to help you become a stronger couple and improve the state of your relationship – I won’t judge or take a side.

The first session in my office will consist of both partners telling me about what they hope to get out of counseling, and the things that are stirring up issues. You can expect a conversation between the three of us, where I will explain in more detail the process of counseling, and I might give you a few steps to take right away to improve your relationship. In future visits, I will help guide communication between the two of you as  a couple – you will do most of the talking while I am only there to facilitate the conversation, giving you tools and insights to help communicate in a healthy way.

You can expect neutrality and emotional safety during your therapy sessions. Here’s some more details about what counseling will be like:

1. Neutrality: Some clients say I'm the referee for their relationship; the only non-biased person. I like to think of myself as the co-pilot, while you two are in the driver seat. In counseling, I will guide the conversation, point out the problem routes and suggest taking alternate routes. I will not be taking sides or teaming up with one partner against the other. I think my clients have plenty of friends and family that do that already, and it isn’t changing anything. Gaining teams against each other keeps you in the same routine and dynamic that has not been working.  I will tell you when you may be taking the wrong turn and share what a healthier response will be, but never take a side.  I will also help you organize the multiple emotions and thoughts separately and then as a couple.

2. Complete Emotional Safety: The goal is to have your counseling sessions emotionally safe (and obviously physically safe). I will strive to establish a place where you can open up about how you feel, stop the critical responses, and create a place where both sides of an issue or disagreement can be understood. I will be active in the counseling sessions to make it feel comfortable, help you or your partner phrase things in a way that is clear, and make it possible for you to understand the relationship on a deeper level while feeling safe to express your fears and other emotions.

3. Listening: There are two sides to every coin, and the same is true in your relationship. Sometimes it can be very hard to listen to your partner’s side when you may have a completely different experience. This requires you to trust that the therapist will hear your side, and you will often have to bite your tongue while hearing your partner’s side. As the therapist, I will try to help your partner express him/herself in a non-attacking and critical way.  In order to get there, you will have to allow me to spend time with your partner. Don’t worry -- I will get to you as well!

4. EFT: I focus specifically on couples counseling using emotionally focused therapy (EFT). This therapeutic technique is an experiential style, allowing you to change how you two communicate and rewiring the brain to shift the way you react emotionally to certain triggers or issues. This is a short term therapy approach where I will be more active in the therapy sessions. I will often have you turn to your partner to create new experiences, practice what you are learning, and have change begin in the office.

Couples counseling is a great way to reconnect with your partner, open up the lines of communication, and move forward in a positive direction. Don’t be afraid to pay me a visit – I am only here to help! Give me a call today, or book online, and let’s see if I can help you strengthen your relationship.

Walking as Therapy: A Confessional Stroll with a Friend

Many women take exercise time to walk and discuss the ups-and-downs of their lives together.  Often times this walking and talk is very therapeutic and helpful to find a way to overcome conflict or emotional hard times.  But what happens when you are out with a friend and you simply have no idea to either listen, give advice, or take their side? Jennine was quoted as the Marriage and Family Therapist for tips on the "HOW TO"  use walking as "Therapy" when giving advice or to listen.  

Here are a few of her quotes from the magazine: 

When you listen to someone else, really listen. That means resisting the urge to jump in with your own two cents. "Instead, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, or count to 10 in your head," says Jennine Estes, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego. "You want to send the message to your friend that what she has to say matters."

Avoid "why" questions or "you should have" statements. They can come off as "critical or judgmental," Estes points out. "These are the no-no's to communication."

Read more at Wholeliving.com: Walking as Therapy: A Confessional Stroll with a Friend

Build healthy connections to the people you love

We all want to feel accepted and loved. I provide individual and couples therapy for gay and lesbian clients in San Diego, helping them address their unique needs and find effective ways to create a secure attachments. Whether its dealing with coming out, sexual curiosity, strengthening a new relationship, or improving a long-term commitment, together we will navigate your problems so you can feel happier, healthier, and more accepted.

Schedule an appointment online or call me to book your session.

For Lesbian and Gay Couples Counseling:
Find effective ways to create a secure attachment and improve communication with your partner.  Relationships shouldn't be consumed with fighting and the emotional roller coaster.  I provide therapy focusing on styles of communication, resolving past and present issues, and creating a more secure attachment.

Superior communication is key to a stronger relationship.  Depending on the issues being addressed, the amount of time investment for couples counseling varies.  I want to help you, if you are facing communication conflicts, coping with family adjustments, premarital concerns, introducing your partner to family, or simply afraid of long term commitment. 

Please give me a call and let's see if I can help or schedule an appointment by clicking the button below.

Learn more about coming out and the counseling to support your relationship. Also check out my blog, Gay Relationships in the Raw.

Jennine Gets involved!

Contributing Author for San Diego Gay and Lesbian News (SDGLN.com)

style="font-weight: bold;">Your San Diego Therapist Jennine Estes is a contributing author in the health and wellness section of  SDGLN.com.  She writes various articles focusing on building healthy and thriving relationships within the gay community.  Her passion is to help couples, in both the gay and straight communities, learn how to have a secure bond and communicate effectively.

You can find Jennine's SDGLN articles here.

OUT Engagement

Jennine and her colleague Erin Falvey are currently writing a book  for same-sex couples who are engaged.  She the co-founder of OUTEngagement.com that provides relationship advice for gay and lesbian couples who are engaged.  

You wouldn’t set out on a roadtrip without a roadmap, yet so many couples start a life-long commitment without the navigation equipment to build a life that works.  Your San Diego Relationship Therapist Jennine Estes will give you a toolbox full of helpful ways to communicate, discuss financial needs vs. wants, interact with the in-laws... and so much more.