Six Ways to Damage Your Relationship
John Gottman: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman wrote in his book about ways that are damaging in relationships, along with seven principles needed to make marriage work. The following are some items that he wrote about that can be hurtful. When you read the list, focus on behaviors that you do within the relationship, and avoid searching for how your partner is within the relationship. The more you are aware of your behaviors, the more you can stop them. Take a look at what John Gottman says can damage a relationship:
1. Harsh Start-up: You can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes.
This may include the tone of voice, negative words, criticism, sarcasm, etc...
2. The Four Horsemen:
- Criticism: Negative words about your mate’s character/personality. Blame. When criticism becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other horsemen.
- Contempt: Sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.
- Defensiveness: Defending and explaining your position and behavior. Another way to blame your partner and not take responsibility.
- Stonewalling: Avoiding a fight, disengaging. This stops resolution of the problem. A "stonewaller" acts as though he or she doesn’t care.
3. Flooding: This means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming and so sudden that it leaves
you shell-shocked. This feeling is often followed by stonewalling.
4. Body Language: Body language can be louder than words. This may include rolling eyes, arm
crossing, lack of eye contact. Also, pay attention to blood pressure when feeling stressed.
5. Failed Repair: This is when the couple does not attempt to repair or is unsuccessful in the repair
attempts.
6. Bad Memories: This includes: finding the past is difficult to remember and has faded away,
memories of the negative, and forgetting the positive times together.
If you find that you are having problems in these areas, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is not going to work. What it does mean is that you will need to work at changing these behaviors. If you find that these behaviors continue, we can work on finding healthier solutions for your relationship. We can either do premarital, marital, couples counseling or work on these issues in individual therapy. Give me a call to schedule an appointment. |
