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7 Quick Rules to Communicating During an Argument
As a San Diego relationship and couples counselor, I frequently run into couples who argue often. I never recommend arguing, and if you have found yourself caught in an ongoing cycle of arguing, here are some quick tips to decrease the extent of damage the emotional “blows” do. The ultimate goal is to decrease the arguing and find a healthier way to communicate with your partner.
1. Avoid bringing in the past. When your partner comes to you with a concern or is upset, avoid bringing in the past as an example, to prove your point, or in an attempt to resolve the issue. If the past is coming up, it obviously has not been resolved, and now the argument has more fuel to keep it burning. Bringing in other issues can ignite a variety of emotions and the discussion can get off-track. Make a mental note of your concern and bring it up later in a new discussion. Stay on topic to resolve the specific issue at hand before addressing other unresolved issues.
2. Use positive “pointing” language. The way couples phrase their words during an argument can impact how either partner reacts. Pointing language is language specifically directed at your partner, and often uses phrases such as “You never…," “You should…," or “You always…." When pointing language is used, partners can become defensive and tend to automatically “tune out” what is being said. This may lead to a continued cycle where each partner does not feel like he or she is being heard. Instead, use positive language that targets yourself, not your partner (for example, “In my experience…” or “I feel…”). By expressing to your partner how you feel, instead of how he or she is, your partner will be less reactive.
3. Become a “we,” be part of a team. Arguments are a “you vs. me” battle and almost always have the goal of one participant winning and the other losing. Relationships, however, are not built on opposition. Meaningful relationships consist of two players who are on the same team and should work toward a common goal. Try to make the goal be achieving resolution, rather than winning. Resolution cannot be accomplished without active participation of both partners, so do not forget your partner’s desires. Think to yourself, “How can we solve this so that we will both be happy?”.
4. Claim your own role in the problem. No one is perfect, yet no one likes to admit when he or she is wrong. Do not be afraid to admit, both to yourself and your partner, when you have made a mistake. By acknowledging your role and claiming your involvement in the argument, you show your partner you are willing to work with him or her. Remember, “It takes two to tango.”
5. Take a breather. If your arguments get out-of-hand and escalate rapidly, call a “time-out." Plan ahead where you will go (one in the bedroom, the other in the living room, etc...) and the length of the time-out (I recommend approx. 1 hour). During the time out, take a breather, reflect, organize your thoughts and calm yourself down.
If you have problems with arguing and can’t seem to get your relationship on track, you might benefit from professional help. Marriage and family therapists are trained professionals whose education is directly focused on relationships. I want to help you build a strong foundation in your relationship, decrease the arguments, and improve your communication. Call today to schedule a therapy session in San Diego. If you are not in San Diego, but you are within California, phone sessions are available for individuals. |